I’m fine.

That’s my response when people ask how I’m doing. It fits because I’m not great and I’m not bad either. I’m just here. I watch everyone’s lives from my phone. I see the pictures of their families taking hikes together and smiling together. I see the messy homes and frantic looks while making others laugh. So I laugh. I feel all the different messages people are putting out there. Some are uplifting. Some are criticizing. Some are warning. Some are scared. Some are trying to ignore the unbalanced life we have at the moment. Some have given up the balance and wonder if it was just an illusion anyway.

I think to some degree I’ve been taking the “if I just stay at my house and go to Walmart once a week, it will go away soon” kind of approach. My life hasn’t changed that much. Since we already homeschool, I’m used to being with my kids all day. We haven’t gone out that often this year since we live in a new place.

But church is different. That’s where we see people and smile and wave at them or give them a hug. That’s where we get fueled up to keep going through our week. But now we wait to see everyone’s picture on Facebook and pretend to wave at them.

And now shopping is different. I usually go to Aldi and get my groceries for a whole month but if I do that now, I look like a hoarder. People give you dirty looks when you do that. So to save myself some angry looks and from possibly showing up in some random person’s Facebook feed as what not to do, I shop week to week. But it’s weird. Walmart is weird. I smile at people. They dodge me. I walk down an isle and someone is at the other end. They turn around. I know it’s not me. I know it’s fear and caution. But it doesn’t feel that way.

At home, I hear my kids laughing and playing together but then they stop. They know things are different. Why aren’t we going to church? Why can’t we go anywhere? They try to make the most of it, but they want to see their friends and grandparents and cousins. We had three family birthdays this week and we didn’t get to see any of the family. My son says, “I hate the coronavirus.” Me too, kiddo.

I hate how satan is using this to make me and my family feel isolated. I hate that satan is using this to make me feel sad. I hate how satan is pointing fingers at everyone else as if they are the enemy.

I say I’m fine because the real answer is much more complicated than most people are really wanting to hear. Most people just want to say hi, even on a text. Most people are not ready to bear the emotional burdens of others. So I say I’m fine.

Maybe you do that too. Maybe what you really mean is you’re tired and lonely but thankful you’re family is ok. You’re worried and confused while trying to be encouraging and brave for your family and friends. You feel so much at the same time that you don’t know how you actually feel.

Yeah, that’s what I mean too. I’m all those things.

All of us are a thousand different emotions and it is hard to describe how we feel right now. We don’t want to complain or panic. We want to smile and enjoy the family time that we are given. But all of those feelings are still there.

Since we all feel that way, how about we agree that when you say, “I’m fine” you know that I know what you mean. We don’t have to say all the feelings. We can just say I’m fine and we can be fine together.

So how are you doing?